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Liam Payne admits he was suicidal

Liam Payne
Liam Payne Image credit: billboard.com

Liam Payne has revealed he suffered from suicidal thoughts when he was in One Direction.

The ex-boyband member was speaking on the Diary of a CEO Podcast hosted by Steve Barlett about the stress he was under being in the group and how he still struggles with simple tasks.

Payne, 27, admitted he was addicted to ‘pills and booze’ during his time in 1D, but kept his problems to himself.

Touring was Liam’s main concern as there was so much temptation around him.

He told Barlett: ‘There were a few pictures of me on a boat and I was all bloated out and I call it my pills-and-booze face.

'My face was 10 times bigger than it is now. The problem was, the best way to secure us was to lock us in our rooms, and what is in the room? A mini-bar.

'So I had a party-for-one that seemed to carry on for years. It was wild but the only way you could get frustration out.' 

The singer also confessed he had thought about taking his own life when asked if he ever had suicidal thoughts.

‘Yeah,’ he replied.  'Yeah. There is definitely some stuff I have never spoken about to do with it. It was really, really severe.’

Liam revealed despite being in one of the most successful bands of all time from the age of 16 he was not able to look after himself.

He said:  'I was a director of a half-a-billion pound industry at 22. But if I am trying to pay car insurance I am useless. Picking up my post? I am the worst person in the world. You are deluded in your growth.'

Payne added: 'I still feel like a child in so many ways. There is no link between money and happiness. It is a myth. Money is the ability to relax on certain things.' 

Lockdown was an extra strain on Liam, being unable to cope he became an alcoholic and started to put on weight.

He explained: 'I did worry up until the last few months. I think a lot of people had this same sort of thing, alcohol. It was getting earlier and earlier and easier and easier to go to.

'What I’ve found more than anything with the alcohol is boundaries. If you’re on Zoom you can probably get away with being a bit tipsy, when you’re not supposed to be.'

An unhealthy diet led him to lie about the extra pounds he was putting on to cover his embarrassment.

Liam explained: 'I put on so much weight, I was eating badly and describing it as a bulking period — "I’m doing it for a movie role! It’s all good!" That’s the best excuse if anyone asks if you’ve put on weight. Say it’s for a role, coming out 2022.

'I put a lot of weight on. What got me, I did one performance on TV with the BAFTAs and I was disappointed with myself. I didn’t look how I wanted to look.

'In your own self you know how you feel about it. Obviously they say the camera adds ten pounds and it definitely did. I realised I’ve let myself go in this.'

Liam also revealed he called off his engagement to fiancée Maya Henry to spend time to ‘work on himself’.

Payne, who is now single, said: 'I feel like more than anything at this point, I'm more disappointed in myself that I keep on hurting people. 

'That annoys me. I've just not been very good at relationships. And I know what my pattern of things is with relationships at this point.

'I'm just not very good at them so I just need to work on myself before I put myself on to somebody else.' 

He continued: 'That's where I got to in my last relationship. 

'I just wasn't giving a very good version of me anymore, that I didn't appreciate and I didn't like being. I can honestly say I feel better out of it.

'I didn't feel good doing what I did but it had to happen. Just a corny way to say it was the best for us both.' 

Liam Payne once told Digital Spy “I have to be careful not to drink too much, even water, and I have to keep myself as healthy as possible.”