Disability news

Mum says she hates her disabled child for taking away her life

silhouette of a mum with her son in a wheelchair in the sunset

A mum has opened up on how her adopted disabled son has ruined her life and how much she hates him for it.

The mother unloaded her feelings on Reddit, explaining how she went down the adoption route after she experienced fertility problems.

Realising she was unable to give birth, the woman spoke to her husband about adopting a disabled child, but the couple did not expect the new addition to the family would bring on so many problems.

"I love my child unconditionally. He is so smart in his own way and has a generous heart. I know this. But I also, sometimes... okay, a lot of the time, hate that this is my life,” she vented on social media.

The first thing she finds hard to accept is how strangers gulp at her in public.

"I hate the looks we get. When someone asks him a question then awkwardly realizes he can't respond. When he has a major, hysterical meltdown in a store and I have to sing and rock him on the floor until he calms down. When other kids realize he isn't as 'normal' as he looks…,’ she shared.

"I hate that he will probably never have a real friend. That I will have to fight for him to be included in everything. That his birthday parties will likely be adults/family only. I hate not being able to go to church without making sure they have an adult with training to be with him.

"I hate how hard it is to find adults to be with him. And that I have to be the one to train them." 

Another aspect the mum finds difficult to accept is that she couldn’t cope with another disabled child and it’s “unfair” raising one in the current environment we live in.

"I hate that he has to be watched 24/7. I never get anything done because I am exhausted from keeping him safe while trying to give him room to grow and learn. I hate the appointments, the juggling of specialists and primary care doctors, and trying to remember who needs to be told what,” the mum continued.

"I hate having to sign a kajillion disclosures to share information, and I hate that even my husband has to ask me what all kiddo has going on. I hate that he hurts me. Yes, I understand the reasons: trauma and development and delayed attachment and frustration. But I hate that my baby boy, my darling child, regularly kicks and hits and bites and scratches me. I hate saying, 'Kind hands, please'."

The only way she can do the housework or cook is to occupy her son with a computer tablet or mobile device.

 "I hate when people say it's just a phase. Or all boys/kids do that. It's not true, and they know it. But no one is comfortable enough to say, 'that sounds like it sucks.' Which is what I really want.

"I hate that being away from him takes so much planning and money. That we can't hire just anyone to watch him. It has to be an adult with training, or a respite provider (which is impossible to get), or a rare, understanding friend. Or my husband.

"Most of all, I hate that I hate any part of being his mummy. Because I always wanted to be a mum. And when we found out we couldn't have biological children, I was so happy my husband agreed to adopt. I knew it would be hard. I knew it meant raising a child with disabilities and trauma. And I worked my ass off to prepare for it."

The mother was praised for being so honest about such a controversial conversation.

One reply from a parent who could relate to what it’s like raising a disabled child, read: "As a mum of a special needs kid, I feel your pain. I'd recommend watching Float, a Pixar short. It was very relatable for me."A third user said: "I have a niece with two autistic children. The older is farther along the spectrum than the younger. There came a point when she and her husband could not handle him anymore.

"Exhausted he was physically stronger than they were. She was heartbroken and guilty to put him in a group home. It turns out he is quite content there. He has fewer meltdowns than he did at home. When he comes home on weekends he keeps asking when he can go back. Her educational expertise is actually autism so it’s not that she didn’t know the techniques to manage this. But for whatever reason, he prefers the group home."

Another reply said:  "It is the loneliest life, even though you're almost never alone. Vent freely, and know that you are a good parent even with these feelings. You are worthy of comfort and deserve a place to be honest and vulnerable about the impact this has on you.”

[ Support for parents with a disabled child can be found on the Action For Children website. ]

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